Anon asked:
why do you consider the amazing spiderman a bad movie?
Brad: hey
Brad: tom
Brad: spiderman
Brad: omg
Tom: yo hey
Tom: spiderman?
Tom: I didn’t like it
Brad: ENGLISH TEACHER
Brad: EXPLAINING THEMES
Brad: WHY DID THE POLICE HAVE EQUALIST WEAPONS
Brad: AND WHY DID THEY ONLY SHOOT HIM WITH ELECTRIC BULLETS IN ONE SCENE
Tom: hahahah
Brad: AND IT WASN’T JUST ONE SQUAD IT WAS LIKE EVERY SQUAD ON DIFFERENT ROOF TOPS AND FROM HELICOPTERS
Brad: BUT JUST FOR THAT ONE PART
Tom: also immediately after that part
Brad: (ALSO IT WOULD STILL BE LETHAL WHILE HE’S IN MID-AIR SO WHY)
Tom: the working class supports spiderman
Brad: FOR AN HOUR
Brad: policeman holding traffic so he can SWING THROUGH
Tom: he saved my son! I will use my secret working class network to organise the cranes
Brad: also like
Brad: that’s -
Brad: the big conflict
Brad: was that the bad guy was *far*
Brad: it was like
Brad: 10 blocks
Tom: ahahah yeah
Brad: They literally show him looking at how far it is and going “aw man”
Brad: and you’re like - what- what are the stakes even supposed to be
Brad: and then the TV news anchor says “Spiderman is injured! He’s probably not going to make it!”
Brad: TV NEWS ANCHORS DON’T SAY THAT
Brad: NO ONE SAYS THAT
Tom: ahahaha oh god I know right
Tom: is he a fuckin sports commentator
Tom: oh oh oh man the just
Tom: the totally hamfisted chekov’s gun
Brad: oh yeah!
Tom: “oh yeah we use this to disperse a cloud against peoples will! BUUUUT NOBODY EVER FOUND A USE FOR IT”
Tom: “SO HERE IT IS IN MY LAB, FULLY OPERATIONAL”
Tom: for the last 10 years
Tom: who knoooows if this will crop up again
Brad: Also - the lizard was evil for no reason after getting bit and spiderman was suddenly “funny” (but not actually funny) and heroic and strong after getting bit. It’s like “Your father dedicated his life to working on this Character Archetype Potion”
Tom: ahahahah
Brad: also
Tom: OH
Tom: OH
Brad: Peter Parker cracks the code for the formula
Brad: but gets bit by a spider before the code is applied
Brad: so - whuh -
Tom: oh yeah what the fuuuuck
Tom: yeah
Brad: how come his formula worked less good (on the lizard) than the non-formula one did on him (the spider bite)
Tom: also like… they hand-wave that capability so hard
Tom: like
Tom: “oh yeah he’s a super super science genius”
Tom: cracking this formula that the lizard and the dad were working on for ages
Tom: also hacking everything
Brad: yeah and like
Tom: like making embedded circuitry for his web slingers?
Brad: all I was thinking about during that handwave montage was
Tom: o-kayyy like are you a biologist prodigy or a mathematician prodigy or an engineering prodigy here
Tom: or a fuckin
Tom: seamstress prodigy
Tom: “oh but he goes to a specialty science school and his dad was smart” is the whole explanation
Brad: “what if Spiderman wasn’t an existing property and this was just an original screenplay where it’s just about a kid with dead parents (are they even dead it’s not clear) and he’s just a normal kid for an hour and suddenly there’s a montage to boring score music where he builds all these devices that are unlikely and not even explained in the movie and also now he wears a costume okay the rest of the movie is about greek gods now.”
Tom: no they died in a car accident
Brad: I thought it was a plane accident!
Brad: but it wasn’t even clear!
Tom: some kind of accident
Tom: ahaha yeah
Brad: they could’ve shown a funeral or something!
Tom: I know yes!!
Tom: oh
Tom: OH
Tom: HOW’S THIS ONE THOUGH
Tom: the lizard
Tom: gets regenerative capabilities in his DNA
Tom: and regenerates his arm
Tom: but then when he loses the regenerative capabilities
Brad: wait WAIT speaking of funerals: how HILARIOUSLY CORNY was it that someone dies and there’s like HURRICAN RAIN AND WIND AND THUNDER for the next six scenes
Tom: his arm goes AWAY AGAIN
Brad: AND ALSO
Brad: HIS ARM GOING AWAY AGAIN
Brad: IS IMPORTANT
Brad: BECAUSE HE’S USING THAT ARM
Brad: TO PULL SPIDERMAN UP
Tom: YES
Brad: FROM A BUILDING
Brad: BUT
Brad: SPIDERMAN
Brad: IS
Brad: SPIDERMAN
Brad: HE
Brad: CAN
Brad: CLIMB
Brad: THE
Brad: BUILDING
Tom: AHAHAHAHA YES
Tom: JUST HOLD ONTO THE GLASS THAT YOU’RE NEXT TO
Tom: WE’VE SEEN YOU USE THAT POWER MORE THAN ANY OTHER POWER
Brad: also when he was leaning to swing on chains
Brad: and then a shot of a spider doing the same thing
Brad: just to be like “Spiders DO do this one, see see”
Brad: after showing him do a bunch of non-spider things
Brad: oh man also
Brad: the lizard is a scientist
Brad: so in a high school science lab he can make a bomb
Brad: by grabbing the two closest flasks
Brad: and mixing them
Brad: like
Brad: what project was that
Tom: ahahahahahahhahaahha
Tom: yes
Tom: they’re not even labelled
Brad: hahahaha yeah
Brad: and
Tom: just
Tom: “I’m a scientist so I know that green + orange = smokey explosion”
Brad: I mean the trainwreck conclusion was already in motion so it wasn’t even a THING but they tried to make it look like “the police are gonna blame Spider for wrecking up the high school!”
Brad: but the lizard left a TAIL
Brad: but that plot didn’t even HAPPEN
Brad: because everyone just ran to the next set piece!
Tom: maybe the tail dissolved when the serum wore off the lizard hours later
Brad: CAMERA PROPERTY OF PETER PARKER
Tom: ahahahahahahahahahah
Brad: oh man also like
Brad: the voice overs
Brad: explaining
Brad: EVERYTHING
Tom: THE REGULAR LIZARDS ALL GOING TOWARDS THE LIZARD
Brad: TV: “The antitode was released from the cloud and cured the city” - cured the - the what - the 5 cops he got earlier?
Tom: BUT THE LIZARD NEVER HAS ANY LITTLE LIZARDS ACTUALLY NEAR HIM
Tom: YES
Tom: those 5 cops
Tom: who didn’t actually lizard out at any point
Tom: just looked worried about their scaly skin
Brad: also the unnecessary cover up
Brad: like unnecessary story-wise
Brad: News paper: “Police Try To Keep This World Non-Comic Book For Some Reason Its Not Clear?”
Tom: oh yeah
Tom: we can’t let the public find out that there was very obviously a giant lizard in full view of a million people
Brad: oh dude also funny (to me) is that there were random falsified parts of NYC
Brad: for no reason
Brad: like it was mostly authentic
Tom: the same “I’m not from Tokyo” gag twice in one minute
Brad: but one time the subway just said “SUBWAY”
Brad: and it was the B D train which was red
Brad: and it was by where the red 1 2 3 is
Brad: also the train saying “this next stop will be the last stop”
Brad: and not saying the name of the stop
Brad: also like
Brad: probably 20 people saw him without his mask
Brad: more people saw him without his mask than with his mask
Tom: ahahahaha
Tom: there’s a billboard for it near my house
Tom: it’s got a tagline
Tom: “The Amazing Spiderman - The untold story begins”
Tom: untold unless you saw Tobey Maguire in Spiderman like a couple of years ago
Tom: in which it was exactly the same story except with a different looking villain and the girl has a different name
Brad: also like
Tom: like if you’re doing a reboot you… gotta make it different
Brad: all the lines that he didn’t say to make it different
Brad: Uncle Ben not saying “with great power comes great responsbility”
Tom: ahah yeah
Tom: but trying soooo hard to
Brad: Spiderman not saying “I’m just your friendly neighborhood spiderman.”
Brad: instead saying “I’m spiderman”
Tom: half a dozen scenes where he’s like “with ggrrreat pwrrr… cmmm. grrrr… rssp” “UNCLE BEN NO IT’S A DIFFERENT MOVIE”
